Have You Ever Regretted Something That Happened In Your Life?

Have You Ever Regretted Something That Happened In Your Life?

I’ve had a lot of time to think about a situation that happened to me and my family. I look back at July 2013 and wonder why I contacted these people. Because only one person contacted me about Jimmy’s suicide and that was a close cousin who wanted to make sure I knew what happened. But not those people that I allowed back into my life and my family’s life they never called me nor tried to contact me. But I felt the need to let them know about Jimmy’s death and of course, they already knew and that should have been my clear sign at that point but it wasn’t. So for several months, I didn’t tell my children that I was talking to the bio-mother because I knew my children would tell me exactly the truth that I was being played for a fool by her again. But I kept it a secret for several months the only person who knew I was talking to her was my husband and he also told me to be careful talking to her and not tell her a lot because she would use things against me as she had in the past. So I was cautious and then I became too comfortable and told her things that she once again used against me.  My whole life with this bio-mother has been nothing but a big joke. I have been lied to all my life by her. 

People always say you should love your mother and father how? How do you love someone who has wronged you your whole life? How do you love someone who abused you your whole childhood? How do you love someone who never told you the truth about your full name? How do you love someone that kept you from your birth father your whole life? How do you love someone who would always threaten to unlive themselves when I was in the 3rd grade? How do you love someone who spreads lies about who you are?  How do you love someone who says my deceased sister wouldn’t love me for what I have said? I could go on but you get the point. I’ve seen sayings online that say you should love your parents but that I don’t because I didn’t have parents that cared they were more interested in themselves and their own needs and wants.

Some will say I’m starting something by posting this but if that is the way you see it then you must be guilty of everything above. For years I have been ashamed of what happened to me and I finally broke my silence because I shouldn’t feel ashamed of something that wasn’t my fault it was the two adults that allowed it to happen. But what I want to put out there is I opened my life up to these people knowing the chaos they bring to my life. If I could turn back the time I wouldn’t have opened this door ever I would have left it sealed shut. I looked back at the emails where I was emailing her because I didn’t want her to have my number until I felt it was okay. Looking back I truly wish to GOD I had left that door shut because I knew what she was capable of causing my life. Heck, she caused a mess in 1986, 1989, 1990,1995, 2000, 2006, and 2023 so I guess I didn’t learn my lesson from that because it was always chaos with her.

She would tell me in the emails in 2013 things would be different and she was so glad that the past was the past. But in 2023 she and her daughter did exactly what they did make chaos. I knew on December 23, 2022 things were going to HELL with things she had told me from October 2022 and I knew I wanted no part of that drama that they had going on so I started distancing myself from her and her family. That didn’t stop her from coming to my house every so often not like a typical mother-daughter relationship by no means more a mild friendship. But I knew this was a situation they were in I didn’t want any part of it because it was BAD.  See before I really started talking to her I was well guarded with my heart from what she had done to me in the past. So I made sure I didn’t allow her to hurt me like she did so many times before. So when everything hit the fan in May 2023 it didn’t bother me I haven’t cried NONE AT ALL none emotionally because she has broken me in the past and I refused to allow her to break me ever again. I don’t feel bad for what I have said about her or to her because she said some really horrible things about me and my family. So at the end of the day, I think the Good Lord would understand because he has seen and watched what she and her daughter have said about me and my family.

The thing about it is things really never did change it was all a ploy. In so many ways I’m disappointed in myself for allowing my guard down with that whole situation. But lessons have been learned from that and I know who I can trust and who to never trust. I will always trust my husband and our daughters because 99.9% of the time they always hit the nail on the head with people. I mean years ago I had a friend that I thought was a friend but in reality, she was the friend to the woman that murdered my sister and was backstabbing me the whole time. Both my daughters kept telling me Mom she is playing you and I said nah she isn’t and sure enough she was playing me for a fool. Then right before that, I found out she had been communicating with the bio-mother so they were talking about me sharing information that shouldn’t have been shared at all. They had been talking the whole time that I had no contact with the bio-mother.  So I definitely learned who was my friend at that point and cut that friendship completely off. But again this wasn’t the first time that the bio-mother tried to get into my business she would come to my town where I worked for a friend at a consignment shop and would bad mouth me to the owner. Mind you she would drive 30 mins. to my town that she disliked because she called it a cult town but would come here and shop. That friendship didn’t end because she told me I should definitely stay away from the bio-mother because she was seeking problems and telling people how bad of a person I was.

You would have thought I would’ve learned from all the years she has wronged me and my family. I wouldn’t ever treat my children like crap nor my grandchildren. I swore I would be a better mother to my children and be there when they needed me. I have never treated my grandchildren bad either I play a role in their lives I go to school programs, and sports, eat with them, take them shopping, to the park something that grandparents do with their grandchildren. My children grew up with nothing like that from either side of their grandparents so they didn’t get the luxury of their grandparents giving a crap about them.  My children got we had to work, were out of town, we didn’t have time there were so many excuses I lost count. But if you were to ask my children about it now they would tell you they don’t have any grandparents period don’t want any. I refuse to be that grandparent who doesn’t care about their grandchildren. I’m better than the bio-mother will ever be and I think that bothers her more than anything because my children have never been arrested they have graduated high school both have gone to college and one has a degree the other one will have hers in a year. Both daughters have great jobs they have moved past their former positions for more money. I think the bio-mother is so jealous that she doesn’t have a normal life. Listen I didn’t cause you the issues you have you could’ve made better decisions about your children if you weren’t working 12-14 hours a day and allowing them to do as they, please. But that is how you have always been work was more important than the children. Did we go hungry no did we go without clothing no but we went without care from our parents.   

I’m not one who is religious but I believe in the Good Lord and I do read my Bible not every day and no I don’t go to church. I don’t use God as a crutch in Facebook posts or TikTok Posts. I think some people use God too loosely when they aren’t true Christians. True Christians don’t post rap music with true hate in the music, they don’t post negative things about others. I have a good many Christian friends that when they post true things I have never seen them post hatred, cussing music, negative postings EVER. This is why I don’t go to church because there are so many hypocrites that go and will front to your face and walk out that church door and be a crook. I have seen it with my own eyes and I refuse to be part of any of that nor have a church know my business even though some have spread lies about my family to others in a church it just makes for good ole gossip in a southern church. That’s the thing about the southern churches they will spread a rumor faster than a hen can lay an egg. Sometimes your personal business doesn’t need to be shared with the church and church members share with the Lord he knows your problems and doesn’t spread rumors and hate. At the end of the day, the good lord is the only one who knows what I’m thinking and if I was wrong for something I said about someone. I can honestly say I know where I’m going when I die and no it is not to HELL. The minor things I have done in life the good lord forgives me because I have never done anything that would justify me not going to HEAVEN. 

I used to be terrified of dying because of the way I was brought up with bio-mother reading books on Nostradamus and always talking about how the world was going to end. I was literally terrified of this book because she would always talk about the world ending and I would think where would I go hide if things were going to be that bad. That plays on a child’s mind and some parents just didn’t care how it affected the children. My brother would always say we will dig a big hole with a tunnel and we will hide. What child thinks of a way to hide from a world that is supposedly ending because we were told about that book. Even as an adult, I wanted no part of that book my husband read it and I couldn’t care less that book caused me stress as a child. Now if you were to hear it from the other side they would claim that wasn’t so but it was very so. Even after having my children when they were little, I would have that run through my mind where would I be if the world were to crash into these scary things that Nostradamus wrote about I would think if they are in school how could I get to them! People don’t understand the stress they put on young children with adult things that shouldn’t even be told until they are old enough to understand. Just allow children to be children and stop pushing your beliefs on them allow their minds to grow and not have to worry about things going on in the world. They will learn soon enough without fear-mongering.

I will be 54 years old in 2 months and I plan on living until I’m 100 years old. I have been on a journey to lose weight and my diabetes is completely under control. I have been steadily losing weight and feel so much better. I give myself a shot once a week and it controls my diabetes and my weight. I don’t eat much anymore I’m only able to eat maybe a small handful of food if that once a day. The shot I take is about $1300 and of course, I don’t have to pay for it because my husband is military and my healthcare is free. The Ozempic shot has helped me so much I don’t have much of a taste for the candy anymore. Snacking isn’t a thing anymore I buy chips and the whole bag will last me a month with over half left because I can’t eat them. When I shop now I don’t have the desire to get those things I have some things like ice cream and my grandson eats them so really they aren’t for me anymore. My clothing size has changed which is super exciting because it is new clothes time. I’m super proud of myself because I have lost 19 pounds and still losing it in my waist. I have always been comfortable with my body but you will have people call you names but sometimes those people are talking about themselves or jealous of who you are. But for me, I’m pretty proud of who I am and what changes I have made for ME to be around for my children and grandchildren.  I’ve also thought it was really odd that I don’t have a head full of grey hairs with all the drama that went on but I don’t I don’t color my hair to cover those few grey hairs. The way I look at it is I age gracefully like my grandmother who never looked her age she was a beautiful woman that aged well. I think I take after her because I don’t have all the wrinkles on my face my skin doesn’t look aged and I believe my daughters carry the same trait because people can’t believe they are the age they are when asked. 

I will say this my life is more peaceful without her in it and we are back to our family connections where it should be. I will never betray my family again with these people.

Well, I will end this here and write more in a few days as I do have an outside life that keeps me busy and happy.

Disclaimer: I was not compensated for this post. However, I received a free product(s) in exchange for my honest review.  All opinions expressed in my blog or review are 100% of Laurali’s Blog.